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Avatar, or "Why Jake Sully is an Asshole."

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Homework leads to frustration. Frustration leads to procrastination. Procrastination leads to blogging. Truly, this is the way to the Dark Side.

Anyhoo. Avatar was on while I was writing, and this is the result.

Jake Sully is an asshole.


Like a lot of Cameron's films, obviously, there are huge, gaping plot holes in Avatar. If we apply the slightest degree of logic to it, of course, things get even worse for our putative hero.

Think about it.

Now, why are the humans on Pandora? For "unobtanium", which apparently sells for $20 million a kilo.

Good. Freaking. Lord.

Even platinum doesn't sell for much more than $70,000 a kilo. The only substance that could possibly command that sort of price is one that is absolutely indispensable for some incredibly critical industrial process; room temperature superconductors that allow incredily cheap and efficient nuclear fusion, that sort of thing. The sort of technological leap forward that could solve all of humanity's problems in a few short generations...

There's really no alternative. Whatever that crap does, it has to be incredible, and it can't be decorative. Nobody cares that much about decoration, and we can always just find alternatives to it. So when the humans get kicked off of Pandora, that expulsion is an act that effectively condemns millions of children to death.

Why Jake Sully? Why?

But fuck those humans, they're assholes. They want to strip mine the planet and destroy it, right?

I'll let you in on a little secret; planets are big fucking places. Destroying one takes enormous amounts of work, and all we've seen from the humans so far is a single, relatively modest outpost operating a single, reasonably large open pit mine. It ain't the end of the world, or even all that ecologically significant if modest steps are taken to prevent excessive pollution. Admittedly, we're supposed to be rooting for the N'avi in this picture, hence why when Jake shows up, we get a nice shot of what appears to be some sort of refinery, with nice black smoke clouds and a gas flare burn in progress.

The N'avi, on the other hand, live an idyllic lifestyle, in harmony with nature and all of its creatures, to the point where they find even the act of killing what are apparently the Pandoran equivalent of jackals to be a distasteful act.

Not particularly realistic, mind you, considering that whatever these things are, they're opportunistic pack hunters that have no problem taking on a grown man. What they're really looking for, of course, is something a bit less ferocious...

Viperwolves ate my baby!
(and yes, that's what they're called. I looked it up, god help me...)

But the humans are uncaring, insensitive, and they're trying to move the natives exclusively through brute force, right?

Except that that's not really what's happening.

If we pay attention to things, the humans didn't just show up and start shooting the naked blue people. They tried a diplomatic solution first, and apparently they tried to reach out to the natives. We learn that much from the brief snippets of backstory that we're given during the film; the humans build a school, they try to give the natives medical technology, etc.

The natives, however, are having none of that shit.

High infant mortality rates are awesome!

Let's be realistic again; the N'avi live in surprisingly large groupings, and apparently eat, excrete, and have various other biological processes in most ways roughly similar to that of humans.

Excepting the freaky alien hair sex, but we'll leave that alone for the moment.

I didn't see any sewers around Home Tree. Let that soak in for a sec.

Thousands of N'avi.

No sewers.

Now you know how the tree got so damn big, but you can also get an idea of what the groundwater in the area must be like.

Don't listen to the humans! They'll only betray you!!

Sure, they've got all these nifty memory trees, and sure they can mind-rape the lesser creatures of the planet (because really, having to tie up and subsequently wrestle your Banshee into submission before you can ride it totally says consensual symbiosis to me), but if they really wanted to, they could have all those things and still have the little modern conveniences.

Like dentistry.

And not watching your children die of dysentery.

But no, they're stuck in the fucking stone age and they're happy that way, goddamnit. We should obey the Prime Directive and leave them there, rather than run the risk of disrupting their culture by introducing our magical machines and centuries of accumulated scientific knowledge.

Oh, and fuck you too, Gene Roddenberry.

My sinister master plan to condemn billions of people all across the galaxy to slow death by explosive diarrhea is working!

Who started shooting at whom? Well, to be honest, I think it's safe to assume that the humans did something that pissed off the N'avi, and the N'avi are the ones who actually initiated the violence between them. We can see enough of that in their culture; they have a warrior caste, for crying out loud. And rather than attempt to work things out between the two peoples, the N'avi have simply started killing anyone they catch beyond the protection of the outpost.

Thrust into this mess, how does Jake Sully react?

Does he use his growing influence with the N'avi to explain the situation to them? Does he try to find a solution that won't result in bloodshed and death?

No, he has freaky alien tentacle sex and then suddenly remembers what he was supposed to be doing all along when the bulldozers show up.

And how do the N'avi react when they find out what he was doing there?

You asshole! How dare you try to find a diplomatic solution!

They tie him up, evidently with the plan of executing him at leisure (probably following extensive [if somewhat pointless, given the whole "avatar" concept] torture), and decide to stand and fight.

And ultimately, Jake Sully betrays his race, condemns billions of humans to a slow death so that a few thousand N'avi won't have to grow another huge tree with their innocently scattered fecal matter, and we're supposed to cheer him on for this.

Yeah, fuck that.
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  1. Ecks -
    Ecks's Avatar
    Wow.. lol. You're a douche. XD ..who has too much time on his hands and should probably do your work instead of watching long ass movies.
  2. Raesvelg -
    Raesvelg's Avatar
    The weird thing is that when I write these "I should be doing homework" blogs, it's because I'm stymied on the work I ought to be doing. Writing something that entertains/relaxes me, or is at least mildly cathartic, helps me get back to the project that is pissing me off with a clearer head and less inclination to fling my computer at my professor.
  3. Morcheeba -
    Morcheeba's Avatar
    With that, I enjoyed this... because originally I thought, 'you're a douche' =)

    You did think far to much into the plot, clearly! The natives in Avatar do not excrete harmful germs. Everything in their makeup, their mark on their planet is in total harmony!! So they do not need any technological advancements humans have in order to live a cleaner, healthier longer life. duh!!!

    Good luck on your project dude =D
  4. Raesvelg -
    Raesvelg's Avatar
    Eh, I'm behind in one class, but at least it's only one class. I do not handle the online format well, and if there'd been the slightest option to avoid it, I would have.

    And the douchey thing would have been to spell out what happens after the credits roll. The corporate lackeys go home, explain how the evil Pandorans killed hundreds of them in a sneak attack and forcibly expelled them from the planet. When the humans come back (since one defeat does not constitute losing the war), and rather than send troops down, just take one of two likely responses:

    Option A: Deciding to avoid excessive bad press, the humans indulge in demonstration kinetic strikes, wiping out select areas of Pandora from orbit, and explaining to the natives "Oh yeah, we can do this shit whenever we want, for as long as we want, to whatever degree you want, because banshees don't fucking fly in space. Now shut up and let us mine our magic space rocks."

    Option B: Deciding to say "Fuck the bad press, this shit is $20 million a kilo!", the humans simply scale up the kinetic strikes, and wipe all life from the face of Pandora. Not like they could breathe the atmosphere there to begin with, after all, so fuck it; they can mine just as well when the dust settles.

    Cameron has said he plans to make Avatar II (and III), which will undoubtedly have more transparent digs at unpopular administrations and heavy-handed moralizing. The question is how realistic he wants to make it.

    My bet?

    Not very.
  5. CidBahamut -
    CidBahamut's Avatar
    This is so much more compelling than all the people who whined about it basically copying Pocahontas. I thoroughly enjoyed how you deconstructed the movie in ways I hadn't considered.

    And to think I came in here thinking "There wasn't any character name Jake Sully in Avatar: the Last Airbender".
  6. Stine -
    Stine's Avatar
    I enjoyed reading this. It was very entertaining. Good luck with your classwork!